Ask a Bitchy Feminist

Before we get to our own advice today, I want to give Dan Savage (who I like, but who occasionally strikes me as a wee bit sexist) full props for his "advice" to Janice Crouse of Concerned Women for America (barf; don't click the link, which is there only out of a misplaced sense of scholarly integrity).

I knew I had to speak up after Janice Crouse of Concerned Women for America called Cheney's pregnancy "unconscionable." A few thoughts for you, Janice:
. . . .
. . . they're condemning Cheney for creating a "fatherless" child, a child that will have no masculine role models. Have you gotten a good look at Heather Poe, Mary Cheney's partner of 15 years? My son has two fathers, but Heather's left labial lip is butcher than both of us put together. Even if Mary and Heather planned on raising their child on a deserted island somewhere, their kid wouldn't want for masculine role models.
. . . .
Third, Concerned Women for America doesn't think Mary Cheney should have a baby. Great, fine, whatever. But Mary Cheney's uterus belongs to Mary Cheney, Janice, and she can do whatever the fuck she likes with it. She can have babies with it or keep her car keys in it or fill it up with potting soil and plant tulips in it. It's her fucking uterus, Janice, not yours. And if you keep inserting yourself into it people are gonna think you're a dyke too, or Heather Poe is going to show up on your doorstep and beat the holy living hell out of you.

I only need add that I hope Dick Cheney and all the folks who were offended by John Kerry's reference to Mary's lesbianism during the 2004 elections take the time to condemn CWA equally firmly.

Okay, now on to you and your own, personal questions! Question one:

I have a question for you. I was talking to a woman in her late 30s and the subject of babies came up. (btw, I'm a 20-something male.) She asserted that almost all women want to have at least one biological child. This shocked me a little bit, coming from a feminist. I mentioned some friends of mine as counter examples. She replied that all of that changes by the late 30s. Is this true?

No. Next question?

I am a student ( a woman) and I am very ambitious. Now really, tell me what you think of this..Why is it that as woman I am ashamed of being so ambitious? ( I am ashamed to tell anyone, I do not tell this to any male student etc...stupid, isn't it?) I tell myself it is fine, but it makes me feel "bitchy" LOL. Is this the way we were brought up as women? I actually think sometimes that something is "wrong" with me for wanting to achieve so much, PhD, write, success..a great dream..but sacrifices will be made for that too. I think that society judges me, do you understand? I fell in love with someone a while ago, a fellow student, and I actually thought that if he knew how ambitious I was that he would not like me anymore, because it is not "feminine". How do we women get these things in our minds? We can still be feminine and ambitious, it is not one or the other. I actually thought that if I pursue my own dream, of getting a PhD and writing, I would never get a man or a long-term relationship, because an ambitious woman is "just not what a man wants". Strange that I think this way. What do you think? Is this just the way we as women were brought up? Are there men who do like ambitious women? It is so strange: even though I know this is just a problem I have, I feel the following: If I make myself "small" and am quiet and do not speak up and if I do not speak about my ambition openly, I think I am "acceptable" and attractive for men. When I am really myself, open, strong, sincere and argumenttive in discussions, I feel that men will think I am 'bitchy" and that I will never meet anyone who will accept me FOR WHO I AM, that means passionate and ambitious.

Honey. There are TONS of men who LOVE ambitious bitchy women. I'm married to one of 'em and dating another, and I get propositioned all the damn time. Cultivate confidence and you'll have men a-plenty.

As to where it comes from: parents, teachers, and other adults who encourage girls to be "good," and praise them for being "nice" and "sweet" while frowning on them if they "show off" or get too "loud" or "bossy." Now, certainly there's something to be said for temperament. Some girls really are nice and sweet and quiet, and more power to them. PK currently has a crush on a little girl like that in his class. To her credit, though, pretty polite little Amanda is smart smart smarty smart smart and has, if you catch her out of the corner of your eye, a little twinkle of mischeviousness in her eye. (In other words, I already approve of PK's taste in women.) But he also has a crush on a little girl (whose name he doesn't know) who is a li'l older, a li'l hoydenish, and (judging by appearances here) a bit of a bad, wild girl. (I'm so proud of my son.)

So I'm not dissing niceness or sweetness. But I *am* dissing the insecurity that comes from feeling like people (boys) won't like you if you aren't all sugar, all the time. The only boys who expect that shit are jerks, and you don't want 'em anyway. God knows the so-called feminine virtues of consideration and modesty are good ones; but there's nothing wrong with ambition or passion or a little bit of righteous bitchiness. Get yourself involved in something physical, like martial arts or weight-lifting, build up some physical confidence, and practice speaking your mind without qualification. Your letter's full of hesitation and unease (I edited out a lot of LOLs), and yet it's clear you know what I'm going to say and just want a pep talk. So here's your pep talk. You know what to do.

And finally, another question from a boy.

What advice do you have for a guy who is working towards a research career in academia and doesn't want to marry a homemaker, but also doesn't necessarily know if he is willing to sacrifice his career (whatever that means)? I would like to live up to the feminist ideal, but don't know how to do that while gallivanting around the world from post-doc to whatever positions and so on. I just don't want to wake up in 20 years next to someone who has given up their potential just to be with me.

All right, I'ma give it to you straight. My advice is to bite the bullet, keep that feminist desire front and center, and realize--just like the girls--that that means it isn't always going to be cherries and roses. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation. You can marry someone (or not, you know; you don't have to get married) and both have careers.

But. Depending on what those careers are, y'all are probably going to have to do a lot of communicating and compromising to ensure that you both have lives that you can, well, live with. First of all, figure out what your bottom line is: what does "whatever that means" mean, to you? What kind of research do you want to do? Must it be in academia? Might you be willing to get a job in government--say you're in the natural sciences--or private industry? Is yours a career choice that requires "gallivanting around the world," and if so, is doing that absolutely central to what *you* want to do with your research? You already know that you want to marry a career woman, so at least you've got that figured out. What about kids? If you don't want 'em, that simplifies things enormously. If you do, then you--not just your potential future wife--need to figure out how to create a career that's compatible with children. Is gallivanting around the world really going to work with your ideas of what you want your kids' lives to be like? If so, awesome: be up front and clear with the women you date about the fact that you intend to take your kids on field trips and figure out how to work that out with the schooling (maybe homeschool, I dunno). Or that you fully intend to put them in boarding school and arrange your work schedule so that you and they can spend summers in Puerto Rico, where you'll be conducting interviews. If moving your kids all over the place or sticking 'em in boarding school or unschooling 'em isn't your idea of how you intend to raise kids, then you--again, you, personally, not your future wife/partner--need to figure out what your bottom line is, kid-wise, and how to adapt your career to accomodate it.

Start there. And then when/if you meet some smart chica who you admire and respect and have the hots for, start talking.