How I purchased my boyfriend

Since I'm guessing most of my blog is going to end up being me ranting about boyfriend or telling stories about what idiot things he does, I will take this opportunity (as I recover from the tarot reading of yesterday) to tell stories about the past.

I met boyfriend through a friend from work. This friend, short&hairy, was fun, nice, and didn't go to my high school. He kept saying "your friends should meet my friends! We'd get along great." So one day near the end of the summer, me and my friends were sitting in a restaurant when we saw short&hairy walk by with a couple other guys. One of us ran out and forced him to commit to a time when the "girls" could meet the "guys".

Later that night, the girls drove over to meet the guys (this consisted of loser 1 & loser 2, short&hairy, and boyfriend). Loser 1 & 2 are not very good-looking, (perhaps a 5 on the scale of 1-10, if I'm generous) and short&hairy was pretty much already in the friend zone. However, I wasn't exactly shopping. A few hangouts later, I truthfully told short&hairy that I was not looking for a relationship because I wanted to just relax after my last breakup (earlier that summer).

So the night that the girls and guys met, we all just hung out in Loser 2's house, went on a walk to the park, and bonded over things like South Park quotes. Short&hairy was right; we were getting along great. I had been innocently flirting with boyfriend (pre-boyfriend?) all night, just talking, laughing, tickling each other, stealing his hat... I thought he was cute and was curious what he thought of me. I told this to Losers 1 & 2, who were walking the girls out at the end of the night, and they immediately said that boyfriend was taken, and implied that he was only interested in dating a Christian girl (similar to short&hairy).

Mildly disappointed, I went home and thought little of it. The next week, Loser 1 asked me to my school's homecoming (which wasn't happening for another 2 months). I personally could not stand Loser 1 due to his immaturity, offensive jokes, and obsession with farting near his friends, so I told him I didn't know him well enough and we'd see as the dance came closer.

As the dance did come closer, I learned that boyfriend was not actually dating anyone, but was on a break with a girl from his school. They had apparently stopped dating to get to know each other more (aka slow things down) and he didn't seem all that hurried to start dating her again. As homecoming came closer and the boys & girls hung out more and more, the girls agreed that they would ask the boys to homecoming (it was perfect; 4 boys, 4 girls).

Since the dance was at our school, it was up to us to ask the boys. There was no fighting over dates, but more of a general "You pick first" mentality. I wasn't sure whether I should ask Loser 2 or boyfriend, partially because I would feel bad by stealing the cute one from my friends when I had no claim on him. The task of picking dates was happening at work, however, and when short&hairy heard of my dilemma, he whispered with mock discretion that I should ask boyfriend. With this push, my decision was made.*
I strode into his place of work, ColdStone, and slyly said: "If I tip you a dollar you have to sing, right?"

"Yeah."

"If I tip you two, will you go to homecoming with me?"

And with that, I had bought my first male escort.

* I later found out that Losers 1 & 2 had somehow thought that who would date me was up to them, and that they had generously bowed out to leave room for boyfriend. This was a source of conflict between the friends later down the road.